The
confirmation for this essay is clear and organized. The thesis is clear on what
the essay is going to be about and most of the reasons and evidence support it.
For the introduction paragraph, it is a little bit short. You want to engage
the reader instead of just talking about the Lady Gaga article. Doing that alone will not interest your reader enough. There needs to
be some more reasons and evidence to support the claim. That would make you argument
better and more convincing to the reader.
For the second paragraph, it is a little bit confusing
on the point that you are trying to get across. When you are talking about
driving, it does not really tie into your thesis. I think you should change
that part; it would make your claim much stronger and powerful if you added something else instead of that example. The second
thing you talk about, Skype in Facebook, is valid and ties in to your thesis. I
think to make it a little bit stronger; you should expand more on why it is so
effective. You should also make the quote that you put into the paragraph a little
bit shorter.
For the third paragraph, I think it is good. The online
dating really goes with your thesis and backs it up pretty well. You should add
some quotes to make it stronger. I like the example that you used about your
girlfriend and how you met her on online dating. The personal experience really
adds to your essay because it is something that really happened and it is also
something that a lot of people may relate to.
You need to add a counter-argument the your essay. Make sure
you include many different views that are clear to the reader. Once you have
done that, create a compelling defense to support your claim and reasons. This
hopefully will persuade the reader to take your side.
Overall your essay is good. Add a little bit more reasons and
evidence that back up your thesis. Adding the counter-argument and more
quotations will also improve your essay a lot too.
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